Managing the Stress of Caregiving
Actress Valerie Bertinelli and others join TODAY to talk about the toll of caregiving on women - and we’re absolutely loving the candid conversation around this topic.
Sandwich Generation Caregivers
Recently, actress Valerie Bertinelli sat down with Hoda & Jenna on TODAY to share her caregiving struggle, and the sadness she consequently felt when both parents passed away. “When you’re busy taking care of other people, you forget to take care of yourself.”
Bertinelli’s sentiments were on par with how most middle-aged Americans feel. Affectionately referred to as the Sandwich Generation Caregivers, these custodians are described as the 40 to 50 somethings, who are taking care of their in-home children while simultaneously looking after their parents. They’re managing careers, household responsibilities, shuttling kids to and from school and other activities - all while coordinating the affairs of their aging parents.
The emerging emotions from Sandwich Generation Caregivers include stress, a loss of self, and overwhelm. The consensus - it’s an overwhelming burden that many people take pride in doing for their parents, but at the same time, they experience sadness.
So, how do you manage the pressures of caregiving? Bertinelli’s advice was to “choose happy...” We think that’s a fabulous start - consider these tips as well.
Managing the Stress of Caregiving
Adjust Your Mindset on Perfection. You’re not perfect at this, you’re not supposed to be. Let go of the pressure to do everything perfectly. Instead, adopt a mindset that allows you to extend grace to yourself. We think it’s great to try your best, but what we’ve noticed is that when our best isn’t achieved in all areas that we internalize that - and start thinking negatively about our capabilities. Approach caregiving without the expectation that you have to be “everything to everyone”. Try your best, and know your best will occasionally fall short. Hey, that’s okay - extend grace!
Your Community is Your Lifeline. Too many people are going it alone in life, and caregiving is no exception. You need community - be it in real life, or online. You need people who can add credence to what you’re going through, tell you it’s okay, and be a listening ear. You are not the only one going through this. According to a 2013 study conducted by Pew Research, nearly half of Americans in their 40s and 50s are going through the same thing you are. It’s important to connect with a community that is familiar with what you’re dealing with so you can gain perspective.
Start a Routine that Includes...You. Novel idea, right? Lol. We’re so surprised to hear when caregivers report that they don’t even have 15 minutes to themselves. And our reply to that is, ‘you can find or borrow 15-minutes in your schedule somewhere.’ We firmly believe it’s possible.
When carving out a new routine, consider what areas you feel like you’re lacking in. Is it physical fitness, nutrition, time with friends - are you finding that you’re not being nice to yourself? Tackle these ideals first. Then, put together a 15-minute daily schedule to address.
If you’ve identified fitness as an area of focus, then your 15-minutes of self-care could look like downloading a fitness app (we suggest FitOn, it’s free and great to use) and selecting a workout that compliments your level of fitness and comfortability. Set a reminder for your new routine in the morning, evening, or amid a busy schedule.
Or, if you’ve identified being nicer to yourself as an area of focus, you could process through these 16 daily affirmations. Say them in the mirror, or while nestled with your favorite warm drink in the morning before your busy day begins. Setting this kind of intention will do wonders for your self-esteem.
If time with friends sparks joy for you, schedule one night a month. That seems highly doable. We recently heard a lady share how her friend group makes time for each other weekly. Every Friday night they go to Books-A-Million - to talk, enjoy coffee, check out new books, and catch up on life. They’ve been carrying this tradition out for 20 years. Twenty years, people! Can you imagine what they’ve been through together? The triumphs - graduating children, weddings, grandchildren. And the losses - caregiving, deaths, financial instabilities. It’s the stuff of life.
Ask for Help. For years we’ve looked at the rich and famous - and we’ve known their secrets to “balancing it all”. They have help. You need help too. What’s the problem? Oh… that little thing called asking. Well, the situation is dire - your health and well-being are in the balance, so surely we can figure out a way to tactfully start asking without feeling terrible about it. AARP suggests that caregivers ask adult children or siblings for support.
Here’s a script you can adapt to your situation:
All of Nana’s appointments are booked for the month. Her appointment next Saturday conflicts with my pre-existing appointment - are you available to take her?
Thank you so much.
That helps me quite a bit! While we’re on the subject, it would do her and I both some good if you spent a little more time with her. Can I ask you to consider planning on a monthly visit? Your time with her can be varied - you could do it solo, you could involve the kids, your younger brother, or me even!
I’d welcome the breather. Truth is, I’m still trying to make sure I don’t lose my sense of self and focus on the things that bring joy to me. I want to make sure that when I’m with Nana that I’m giving her my best.
That last line is key. It’s hard to give your best if you’re not filled. An empty jar has nothing to offer. However, a filled jar that is replenished has plenty to give. So, friend do what fills you up!
Final thoughts.
You have to ‘feel all of the feels’ - meaning, your feelings are valid and you should allow yourself to feel them, deeply. All of the things you go through with your aging parents are real experiences - don’t suppress how any of it affects you. Manage the situation by establishing boundaries that help you along the way. These self-care boundaries - adjust your mindset, develop a community, create a routine that works for you, and ask for help - will help you interpret your experience while becoming the caregiver that you want to be.